One of the reasons my new series is so slow to completion is because I’ve been creating a lot of art specifically for themed exhibits. I typically only do this if the premise speaks to me, and lately a lot of the local exhibit opportunities have really resonated. This piece was created for the Midland Area Cultural Awareness Coalition’s Pop Up Exhibit with the prompt “Our differences make us better together”. I was thinking a lot about how culture doesn’t always mean our country of origin, and how some differences can be internal more than external. In “Symphony”, I aimed to show neurodiversity including both disability and mental health. I used colored pencil for the figures, fabric for their clothing, ink for the birds, and watercolor for the background. I’m typically not a bright color person with my art, but this piece called for it. After I blended every watercolor in my palette into the background, it was … well, very bright and competing a bit too much with the figures even in their high contrast black and white. Solution: a wash of pearl white acrylic overtop. I love that this kerfuffle happened in the first place because having an iridescent foil effect in the background ended up so much cooler than if it would have been left just straight pastel watercolor.
I use birds with figures for symbolism a lot, because I love the movement birds add to an image and birds have long been a visual metaphor for the soul. The different artistic depiction of the birds flowing from each figure are representations of different ways of thinking and processing. I see this all the time with my art classes I teach. In the beginner classes, we will usually create the same basic image together step-by-step, but the exciting variety I see across everyone’s artwork still is truly amazing.
The birds eventually all converge into one stream, mingling together and blending into streaks of color. I didn’t have a title for this piece until the very end, when the word “Symphony” came to mind. Our thoughts, words, ideas, personality, presence, all play a part in our community and society as a whole, and each part is important. Much like a symphony in which each instrument layers together to create the finished song, or a work of art like this one where each splash of paint or piece of fabric layers together to create a recognizable image, all of our different experiences and ways of looking at and processing the world are necessary for innovation and progress.
This piece was one of the most fun mixed media artworks to create that I’ve worked on in awhile, and I was additionally honored with the Best Of Show Award. Prints will be available soon in my online shop, so keep an eye out, or you can always contact me directly.
I have really been slacking this year at keeping up the blog portion of my website. I have been posting new content on my youtube channel on a monthly basis. I usually share these here as well, but this Spring definitely got away from me as I became busy with some unexpected big projects which I will be sharing soon! For now, a fun new prompt to encourage me to keep up with posting, which hopefully you enjoy as well.
An artist friend recently shared with me an article they wrote titled “The ABCs of Underground Art”. I really enjoyed it, and they encouraged me to write my own ABC’s of the type of art that I do as a fun journaling prompt to use to unwind and organize your thoughts. Those that have followed me for awhile know that I don’t typically stick to just one type of art, so to open up the limits I decided to make my “alphabet” the ABC’s of Creation. I have assigned a word to each letter, along with a video of my illustrating a cool little ACEO sized letter inspired visual to go with each word. Read, listen, or both – whatever works!Â
A is for Anxiety. Though this may seem like a negative way to start my ABC’s of Creation, it really isn’t. Creativity is essential to me as a tool for anxiety relief and general well being. No matter what I am doing be it lesson examples, youtube demos, commissions, or art just for me I am lucky that it all affects me in the same profoundly positive way. I know it isn’t that way for everyone, and I am so grateful that any type of creating, even when it is ‘just a job’, doesn’t feel arduous to me but instead is life giving. When I start to get this feeling of agitation like even my very skin is uncomfortable and just on too tight, I know that if I take a pause and go create something I will be ok. Creativity brings a sense of relief and reprieve, and refills my battery.Â
If you want to continue watching the other letters in this series all the way to Z, be sure to subscribe!
My last post being about the misgivings of AI art, and this one now being a trip down memory lane to the beginnings of social media, it should be no surprise to readers that I am about to be closer to 40 than 30 with my birthday end of this month. As a socially anxious teen just starting to be proactive about actually sharing my art with the wider world, I may have a bit more warm nostalgia about these early platforms than most. Everyone back then had their own Angelfire website, even those who had absolutely nothing to showcase other than an “All About Me” page with random facts about favorite colors, animals, and food with little dancing cartoons GIFs in the margins. The fact that you could have your own special place out there on the internet was just so novel at the time.
My first social was a xanga blog, which was mostly young people but didn’t have as many kids on it as livejournal, had more interactive capabilities, and seemed to attract more of the artsy, alternative crowd overall. In junior high, I was emailing friends if I wanted to virtually communicate. A combination of xanga and AIM was a social life game changer. Everyday people from all over the world essentially created a completely public diary, which may seem like a horrible idea but back then it was great. At least at my school, it was as common as facebook is now and it allowed you to get to know people on a deeper level that you may not get to interact with for more than 10 minutes during school. Despite widespread parental concern that instant messaging and blogs were going to turn kids into antisocial aliens, for me it actually helped me find people with similar interests and aided me in launching the whole “making friends” bit.
People weren’t turning themselves into a brand yet. Nowadays (a very old person word to start a sentence with), if you use your social media accounts like an actual diary people think you’re weird and need therapy. Full disclosure, I don’t really let this deter me. People would share photos from their day, mostly blurry and with bad lighting. Nothing was curated or planned out, no one knew what an aesthetic was. There was to my knowledge no privacy settings. It was made to be public. Complete strangers would comment on your everyday thoughts, passionate infodumps, and photography and they weren’t bots, and they weren’t trying to sell you something. I made close bonds with people across the US and some outside of it for about a year or two. We shared things we’d never told anyone, even friends or family, because at the end of the day sometimes it’s just easier to open up to someone you don’t see all the time. One online friend didn’t know how to tell their very traditional immigrant parents that they were gay. Another had been in love with this person in their class since 6th grade, and now as a high school junior it looked like a relationship might finally happen but their strict, closed minded parents were against interracial dating and they were afraid of the consequences at home. Another was severely depressed and didn’t understand why as nothing in particular was going wrong, and they wondered if others had gone through anything similar and how they broke out of it. Another was being bullied a lot at their school, and just wanted to see if they were actually a cool person capable of making friends outside of that weird bubble where everyone had already made up their mind about them. I became friends randomly with an entire Canadian indie black metal band. We critiqued each other’s bad poetry, posting stanzas back and forth.
This is magic that I don’t think could happen today. Were these lifelong friendships? Of course not. Even early on I knew not to hand out my phone number to assorted people on the internet so our time only lasted for the couple of years I continued using the platform. I don’t see this as mattering, though. So many people are only part of our life for a season. At that time, these conversations filled a void, inspired, and made people in their teens and early 20s feel heard. No one, at least in our age group, had yet figured out how to use social media to manipulate. People generally remembered that there was a real human behind each funny little blog and acted accordingly. There were minimal facades – We just didn’t see the point. Now, every post must be calculated – Is this ‘on brand’ for me, does this make me look happy/successful/competent? Is this opinion too abrasive, this musing too controversial? 75% of the time we just let memes speak for us. We are all products, and it kind of makes me sad. Social media is pressure. Everyone expects instant responses to their comments or messages. It’s work, not relief, not belonging. Maybe it’s because I’m older now, maybe it’s because I finally have a larger network of people IRL who do want to socialize with me regularly, maybe it’s because I no longer feel surrounded by people that oppose my every social or political stance like I once did, and the lack of alienation has made something like xanga obsolete for me – but the internet just isn’t fun anymore. Not like it used to be.
I’ll leave you with some of my early profile pics. The bad editing you now witness actually took a lot more work back then than simply clicking a few buttons. What a time to be alive ^_^. Retro emoji is intentional.
It’s interesting to see how this blog has changed since its early stages, the one constant being a celebration of creativity and self expression. At the start I was focused on sharing current artists I’d discovered, and easy lesson plan ideas. Now, I find more of the focus to be on the journey of living this life as a creative person, mental health, and authenticity. I like that what I share has evolved to become more relatable to all folks, not just artists.
I don’t think I ever realized growing up that life would literally be just constant change. I was the kid growing up that wanted to know everything that was going to happen the next day, and had to be warned well in advance if any part of the “itinerary” happened to change, no matter how miniscule. As I am confronted with another unavoidable period of uncomfortable change, sometimes I wonder why I don’t seem to fit into any of the categories laid out before me, like a multiple choice exam where all of the answers appear to be wrong and there is no “none of the above” option.
As a woman, we hear the term “having it all” a lot. This all means that you have kids, a husband, family, maybe a pet, AND a career. That’s it. That’s what all means … 2 things. Yes those are two BIG DEAL things that take up a lot of time and energy, but still, that’s all we get is 2 choices? That’s absolutely crazy to me. I’ve known for a long time I didn’t want my own kids (though I sure do enjoy when I get to visit my new-ish niece!). At the moment, my career is a bit up in the air and I’m finding that I may not have the ‘boss babe’ personality or the workaholic drive I assumed I must have since I didn’t want kids. Doesn’t everyone get one or the other? I’ve discovered what I thought was career ambition was just hyperfocus tendencies in general directed towards an area of interest. If that interest is missing, then poof the vigilance is unfortunately gone. I get a lot of anxiety when my entire schedule and life’s structure is beholden to the whim of some other entity, and when I was working as a non-profit Program Coordinator though I liked being able to tell people I run something ;), I ended up super burned out on a regular basis. So, if I’m not a career woman and not an aspiring wife and mother am I nothing at all? [Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure men face a lot of these either/or black and white fallacies as well but I’m not going to presume to speak about something I’ve not experienced. If you’re a guy that wants to share an example you’ve run up against, feel free to share in the comments!]
Life is rarely clear, but I find it interesting that I can often find clues even within my own art. I see 2 mature ladies created in 2017 and 2020 that are confident, joyful, and at peace, on their own, within themselves. I identify with them, and think that could be me one day. I see a woman whose tears are butterfly wings (The original is currently hanging at Studio 23!), created in 2019 during one of my toughest periods of significant change, pain and evolution hand in hand. I even noticed the concept sketch for my newest installment in my current series, titled “Patience”. Seeds to a great tree are in hand, as the figure imagines what may one day be.
I’m finding that in order to successfully manage change, growth, and any sort of patience I can’t try to look at myself through the generic lens our society tries to use to discern who belongs where, or I just end up seeing myself distorted and confused like looking in a funhouse mirror.
If the answers don’t fit, sometimes I have to use a giant purple crayon to write in a new one, or at least that is how I like to imagine it.
Some spicy discussions are happening about what classifies as an actual disability, and when accommodations are reasonable just as we’ve tied up Disability Pride Month after a video of a distraught young woman shared an unpleasant job interview experience. She was allegedly yelled at by the interviewer after being asked if there would be leniency and accommodation for her time blindness. Being tossed around are accusations of faking disability when one is really just lazy, “this never used to be a problem!”, comments of how this younger generation has no resilience or willpower, and more.
I’ve worked with individuals with disabilities for over a decade now, and I can say that time blindness can be a very real thing. It is often a symptom of ADHD (though, nothing is across the board – I also know people with ADHD that are early for everything!). It is fair to say we are seeing more cases of ADHD now, which is why this and other issues may seem more common. Whether that can be linked to the different way we interface with technology compared to the past, diet, the fact that are school system is built upon making children sit in one room and listen to someone talk for 6+ hours, or other factors I’m not going to get into because I’m not an expert so what I have to say would mostly be speculation. I also think it’s fair to say we as a society are struggling with resiliency, but I’d also argue life has become exceedingly more complicated, and resiliency is really a moot point when your brain just won’t cooperate with you on a given task. I’ve had employees work under me who I would legitimately have to remind on a weekly basis when they were to come in to teach their class, even though they taught at 2:00 on Tuesday for example, the same time every week for 4 months. At first I thought they were putting me on, until I realized they honestly couldn’t get a handle on remembering their schedule, even sometimes after writing it down.
I have my own “stuff” as we all do, and I can tell you there is nothing more infuriating and painful than repeatedly being told you’d be better at something if you’d only try, when you have poured every fiber of energy you have into trying only to see no improvement. I have a funny little thing that is referred to in layman’s terms as “location blindness”. What’s interesting is, usually people that have this acquired it due to traumatic brain injury, but I just got lucky and have always been like this. I have the complete inability to retain directional information or orient myself in space. I have always had an above-excellent visual memory, so it isn’t like I don’t remember what different places look like, I just can’t fit the puzzle pieces together. It’s all details, no big picture. I have to use GPS to get to the same grocery store I’ve used in town for the past 10 years. When I was first learning to drive, I noticed things just weren’t clicking into place as I’d assumed they would, so I would study directions to places I frequent like one would study for an exam. It did absolutely nothing for this almost straight A student … I still couldn’t tell you how to get from point A to point B. If I get up in a restaurant to go to the bathroom, I have to very deliberately focus on the exact turns “right, left, right again…” that I made as I left my seat and repeat them in my head the whole time like a mantra or I won’t find my seat again, which is always super embarrassing. I recall asking my doctor about it and her saying though the degree to which I seem to have trouble is not as common, it’s not dangerous just wildly inconvenient.
Another struggle that’s a bit less important, wheels and I are not friends. I just barely learned to ride a bike without training wheels before junior high, and I never learned to roller-skate or rollerblade. I made renewed attempts during COVID lockdown when I had copious amounts of time on my hands, and made 0% progress sadly. I recall countless roller arena end of the school year parties growing up, because 90s kid, where I was sitting on the sidelines trying to look like I was having fun and well meaning adults would come up to me and say, “Well I feel bad that you’re sitting here by yourself, but we all make choices about what we want to spend time practicing …” If looks could kill, well …
Oftentimes I wonder if these two funny little mental blocks are related, as both seem to have to do with orientating oneself in space, one physically the other mentally. Who knows … The whole point of these odd little tales is to illustrate the fact that sometimes our brain just says “NO, I WILL NOT,” when it comes to certain things. It’s more difficult when the things our brain refuses to do are common skills that it seems like the majority of others have no problem with. Most people that don’t understand a mental block or question its validity aren’t actually trying to be jerks, they just honestly don’t know what they don’t know. And yes, it’s ok to ask for accommodations and sometimes it will be necessary. However, when we can come up with tools and tricks for ourselves to get around our brain’s refusal it’s not just about pleasing other people. Doing this will also make our own life way easier and less stressful. For my location blindness, aside from using GPS I can when possible check out new locations ahead of time if I have to be there for something important, and leave early enough to accommodate for directional errors or unforeseen circumstances like construction that may throw off my route. Saying “Well, I guess someone has to drive me everywhere because I can’t do this” would only hurt myself and my ability to have a life at all and enjoy opportunities both professionally and for my own pleasure. With time blindness, alarms and reminders can be set to assist with being ready. Even if you have to set 15 alarms before work in the morning, one for waking up one for brushing your teeth, another when it’s time to make breakfast, and so on to dictate the schedule of your whole morning routine… do what helps no matter how silly it may seem to other people. Conversely, when someone shares that they are struggling with something, believe them. There’s not really any logical motivation for faking a difficulty when of course we’d all prefer that everything came easy to us.
I had the wonderful opportunity to lead a community mural in Madison Heights for their ADA Pride Celebration the end of last month, the prompt being “If the inside of your mind were a physical place, what would it look like?” This concept really connects well to these thoughts I’ve just discussed … We don’t know what the landscape of each other’s minds looks like, so listening before assuming is always best.
I will be part of a show at Creative 360‘s satellite location in downtown Midland opening mid this month that celebrates neurodiverse creators and creators with disabilities, so if you are in the area be sure to visit!
What is a struggle you have that you wish there was more understanding about? Let me know in the comments.
Quite awhile ago, I discovered this fun article with the daily routines of some well-known women artists, and thought it would be interesting to share my own average day.
I am lucky to have an art related day job teaching at local nonprofits where I am able to inspire people of all ages and abilities to create, especially those who don’t know they’re artists yet.
My basic routine on days I work right away in the morning is, to be honest, getting up roughly 20-30 minutes before I have to be out the door. I value sleep, mainly because I seem to just need my exact recommended 8-9 hours or else I am either a werewolf (in temperament, not amount of hair luckily) or a zombie … either way something monstrous and not ideal.
At work, my job often involves hopping from one focus to another all under the larger umbrella of art making, but this works for me. At home I find I’m always more productive and efficient when I have several project stations going that I rotate between. Typically I’ll travel to 2-3 different cities within a 20-30 minute radius within the day, completing chunks of classes at different centers with maybe a private lesson in between. I used to hate driving, but most of that is rooted in not liking the unfamiliarity of a route and a fear of getting lost (hello Developmental Topographical Disorientation). I have some favorite youtube podcasts I listen to about psychology and sociology (Psychology In Seattle, Bryony Claire, Meg) and nostalgic 90s toys (I most recently discovered the self proclaimed Mr. American Girl) and actually enjoy this little break to have some alone time and recharge.
I currently work with 6 different programs at 5 locations that include adults with disabilities, children with disabilities, alternative high school, traditional elementary school, and beginning and intermediate adult artists. I am also currently working on a series of murals for a pediatric physician’s office, commissions, and handmade wares for my online shop.
Why freelance? Having an uncontrollable and unpredictable schedule was a huge anxiety trigger for me, one that I’d tried very hard to overcome but in the end I figured out it’s just how I’m wired. I have no problem working evenings and weekends or long days – when I consciously schedule them ahead of time for myself and know what to expect. My longest stint in the arts being a Program Coordinator (before that, a bunch of short term disaster things if you know what I mean), I also found that while I love working with my students, I did not enjoy managing other employees. I am most content being responsible only for myself, and while some people really enjoy telling others what to do, I found it incredibly taxing and uncomfortable. I also just have too many options that I am excited to be involved in! I love having my hands in so many different things, because there is equal value in each and every pursuit, and I don’t know how I could limit myself to just one. I’ve been able to say “yes!” to so many more opportunities since I transitioned into independent/contracted work. As I mentioned earlier as well, I like the variety. If I start experiencing burnout or job dissatisfaction, it is more accessible to make some tweaks since I have the opportunity to “reset” basically every quarter and make positive changes based on what I observed in previous quarters. Margin is also something I’ve really struggled with as someone whose job and hobby/passion/therapeutic activity is one and the same. Some days, I am able to build in ‘breaks’ between programs if I see that is needed.
As with any choice, there are benefits and drawbacks. Struggles have been with all the traveling, I do lose paid time. When I first started and didn’t know what to consider when scheduling everything, I was basically out of the house ‘at work’ for 12 hours but only getting paid for 6. That was NOT going to work and I had to re-evaluate when and where I was placing certain things so that I wasn’t doing as much jumping around and backtracking. You have to be ok, especially in the current US economy, with not being rich. I experience a lot of job satisfaction and this year have actually looked forward to going to work each day, which I know is rare in our society. However, there are no job provided insurance benefits, no PTO, no 401K. Doing taxes each February is super complicated. There is a lot to remember with so many different plates spinning. There will be great months and disappointing months. Also, things aren’t going to just ‘work’ instantly – I went through a period of close to 3 years where it was very hard to discern why the heck I was doing what I was doing. Each individual person is going to have to decide whether it’s worth it or not based on their own personality traits, needs, and goals.
Do I do anything at all with my time that isn’t art related is a common question … Well, when I’m not engaging creatively I enjoy puzzles, watching movies (I watch close to a movie per night … not kidding), hiking, reading, and playing Sims. I love quiet evenings at home or with one or two friends.
I always wondered if ‘little me’ would be happy if they’d have been able to look into a crystal ball and see what life looks like 30+ years in the future. I finally think the answer would be mostly YES!
The artist is always more productive while wearing her designer red carpet attire, which may or may not also be an old nightgown.
My new year began with some disappointments and being laid out with a wretched cold, so rather than sulk I thought it was a good time to pen this entry I’d been thinking about for awhile. Hopeful messages are good medicine for the brain at least ;). The first week of January is a time that seems to be made for reflecting, as a new season begins and things are still slow after the rush of the holidays. As I made some professional changes this year that will allow me to put my whole focus into not only my own art business but teaching, something I’ve discovered I love doing no matter the age or ability level I am working with, I feel compelled to share something about myself that many may not know.
Though I now talk all day as my vocation, this is not something I originally would have thought possible. I had a speech delay which I went to therapy for as a young child. It was discovered I knew and understood words, but just wasn’t saying them. I’ve been told even as a baby I was quiet, no babbling or anything, just silence and the occasional prolonged grunt that sounded like a lawnmower motor. I can only imagine what my parents must have been thinking! Though I was soon able to communicate fluently at home, around people I wasn’t as familiar with it was still a struggle. No one that heard me playing in the backyard at home would ever think of me as being “reserved”. Still at school, which I found for the most part enjoyable, I just didn’t know how to communicate with others. I remember one of my most embarrassing 5-year-old moments was when I got called out while playing in a group for participating in the imaginative play by just repeating whatever my best friend made her dinosaur say over and over (We were all playing with plastic dinosaurs at the indoor sandbox station, THE best station in the entire kindergarten). “Why do you just keep saying what she’s saying?” I was asked, followed by the dreaded “You’re weird!” Sigh … my camouflage had failed. When playing by myself I could think up all sorts of great lines and fantastical stories – I was never short on creativity – I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get my brain to “work” around other people.
Even up to high school I experienced a degree of what I now know is called “selective mutism” in public spaces, though public speaking or giving formal presentations in front of a group never bothered me a bit. In college, I ended up choosing to study interior design and had also thought about web design, because I figured there would be a little bit of back and forth interface with clients since I did enjoy people and hated being entirely alone, but then I could go back into my little office space and be creative without constant social pressures – the perfect balance. What do they say about the best laid plans?
I had an English teacher in high school once tell the class “Who you are at 10 years old is your truest self, and you will always come back to that”. I think about that often. As an 8-10 year old kid, I thought I wanted to be a teacher and loved “playing school” with my dolls so much that my parents even got me special little stamps and grade books from the local teacher supply store to enhance the realism of my playacting. I volunteered as a helper for kids programs in the summer, and even job shadowed at my old elementary school when it was required in my first year of middle school. However, I found it stressful not knowing how a real person was going to act and react, whereas with my dolls I was writing the script. I never did like surprises.
I pretty much wrote off that future life plan as I became a teenager, realizing I just didn’t have the skills for it. After graduating from college and experiencing a parade of poorly fitting jobs and pretty toxic work environments which is its own story for another day, I got an email from some mailing list I was on advertising that a local gallery was looking for instructors for a new day program. At this point in my life my confidence in my ability to be a functional human was at an all time low, so I decided what the hell, at least I know I can do art. Let’s give this a go. The rest is history.
I personally have a faith, and I believe receiving that email (and the fact that I actually opened and read it at just the right time!) was quite literally divine intervention. I teach at a variety of locations now outside of my main “hub” where I started, but I truly believe if I hadn’t began my foray into art instruction with the Artshop prograrm at Creative 360 in an environment of radical acceptance that embraces people’s quirks and operates like its own odd little family, I probably wouldn’t have kept at it. The main point of all this personal storytelling is, don’t limit yourself.
What you can do at the moment is not all you’ll be able to do forever. Sometimes, it isn’t that there is something wrong with you, it’s that you aren’t in the right environment.
I am in no way doing what I thought I’d be doing when I was 18, but my 10 year old self may not be that surprised. Guess what? I still am terrible at socializing with new people and making friends. But, I’ve been told I’m a wonderful teacher and that I make people feel valued, and help them believe they can do things they never thought they could do. I’m good with that.
I came across a post from an old friend on facebook a couple weeks ago that read “The phrase I hear most from weak people is ‘You’re holding me back’.” It’s one of those things you read that stops you in your tracks mentally for a moment. Being me, my first thought was “Ouch! That’s kind of mean … and can’t that be true sometimes?”
I’ve been through this scenario in a workplace situation. Far back yonder, I put someone in charge of a project they wanted to lead, and spent copious amounts of my time and energy making sure they had what they needed to be supported and thrive. I was alongside the whole way, being sure to ask probing questions to get them thinking and planning while still empowering them to take the lead. I made myself available for any and all help needed, even for troubleshooting and brainstorming outside of work that I would not be compensated for. Long story short, even with all this they continued to sit on their hands until after much pleading and prompting, I was forced to take over because others were depending on the end result of this undertaking by a certain due date. The other helped about 20%, and a lot of what they did I had to improve upon or fix because full effort wasn’t put in. Afterwards, both our names ended up on the project and they were PISSED. The attitude was that they had done most of the work, and I was just in the way but everyone always wants to give me all the credit and attention because of favoritism. Not to get into my life and/or work history, but the idea of me ever getting superfluous credit or “favoritism” is laughable. Oftentimes it’s honestly been almost the polar opposite. I never had asked for my name to be on the project or even told anyone I’d done most of the work because I hadn’t wanted to make the other look bad, and I had actually been planning to let them take the credit which was why their reaction especially upset me. Yes, that’s dumb and unhealthy but as I said this was years and years ago. The truth has a way of being noticed regardless, and so someone had deemed fit to add my name in the final credits. At the end of their rant was when I was treated to the above statement, when I was told all I do is stand in the way of their success, and I was rendered quite speechless. They are lucky I was speechless, because I had entered full volcano mode at this point.
I’ve also run into this accusation in my social life outside of work, usually when I won’t drop everything to completely manage the events of someone else’s life.
However, I certainly can’t sit here and point the finger as if I’ve never had a similar attitude during some struggle points in my own existence. I remember countless frustrated, tearful conversations with family as a teen and young adult asserting that I would never find my success because of where I lived, and it was their fault I’d never find a job in my field because they didn’t pay for me to go to college out of state, and wouldn’t drive me across the country and get me an apartment in California, and how I would never have any real friends because they chose to start a family in such a boring place where no one likes me … Yikes, I’m super embarrassed now at how rotten that sounds but it’s the truth.
I have struggled to find my place in this world, and at times still do. Only now, I’m not convinced location has a ton to do with it. Maybe a small percentage, but I also think I may just always be that way and that’s ok, we all have things.
Not quite what she had in mind…
It’s always easier to point at someone else as the reason you’re floundering. It takes strength to look at yourself and say hey, I’ve got to step it up and make some changes. The moment I stopped being so narrowly focused and started being open to doing things with my art career outside of a very specific, internally special to me, niche subject I started reaching people, which in turn drew them into all that special interest stuff too. In the past, I never would have created a mixed media landscape because, “Allise only does a, b, and c” (Freshman year of college, a friend asked me to paint a girl holding a cat for her dorm bedroom and I did but put dragon wings on the cat because I was on a dragon kick! – This reminds me now of something some of my Artshop students would do. Ok, maybe I have found one place I feel at home most of the time 😉 ). I expanded my scope to add a broad letter d, I also do art that may not be my special subject of interest but helps improve others’ lives and makes people happy, especially those groups that may not have access to fine art on a daily basis.
Sorry for the language, but it’s funny. Oscar Wilde once said, “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they’ll kill you”.
The moment I stopped thinking I deserved more than where I was and cut the entitlement, I saw doors where before I’d thought there was only a brick wall. Am I rich and famous now – hell no. But am I pretty happy most of the time, and do I generally like my life? I’d say, sure, I think so.
No one can stop you unless you let them, and no one is obligated to prop you up. Show gratitude to those who do anyway, and do your own work.
I have not been making as regular and in-depth posts as usual over the last year as I’ve gotten busier and have been devoting more time to youtube, but I wanted to share about a very special show I am a part of this month running through February 20 called “Breaking The Stigma“.
I was beyond thrilled with both the priviledge and responsibility of being invited to be part of a show centering around using art as both a personal therapy and a way to communicate inner experiences in a way that makes them accessible and understandable to people from all walks of life. I’ve written often on this site on what an important communication tool art always was to me as someone with anxiety, especially social anxiety. In a recent Throwback Thursday post (Yes, I promise I will be getting back to those!), I talked about how even as a young kid I was prone to using art to tackle darker themes or difficult emotions. Art allows for a method of transparency and vulnerability that can often be easier for others to understand and embrace than by using words alone. Aside from the end result, the process itself of art making has the power to manifest a sense of purpose and peace no matter what else may be going on around the creator. Creativity allows people to unlock their untapped potential. I see this firsthand in the classes I teach where many of my students are beginning artists or artists with disabilities
You can read the article announcing the show opening which introduces the other artists involved in this show and shows photos of some of their work. I wanted to also share some of my personal thoughts about their art.
David Feingold’s art was exciting for me to see because a lot of it I would consider surreal portraiture which is the subject I myself enjoy creating most, but it was digital rather than traditional. His narratives were very personal, and spoke directly to the title of the show as they addressed the idea of mental health stigma head on. I found myself inspired to once and for all fully explore creating art digitally this year.
2 of Rebecca Allen’s pieces have been familiar to me since before I knew they belonged to her, as they take up residence in our elevator lobby display where I also maintain a showcase for my students with their work for sale. I loved the surreal nature of her figures. They are raw and honest, and the pain they feel is visually represented in the sharp, rough textures of her sculpture. They invite you to step into another’s shoes and imagine yourself in their situation and struggles.
Cynthia Keefe’s art dolls were very … approachable and trustworthy to me, though that may seem odd to say. They felt alive. Many of them have serious or even near faceless expressions and some in contrast are reaching outward, with mouths contorted in anguish or extreme emotion. Still, they seem like beings I would come to for reassurance or counsel in the important act of seeking the perspective of an older and wiser female. They have seen and experienced much, their story woven into their skin and intricate clothing.
For those in the area, we will be having a discussion panel on February 3. Follow the Creative 360 website and get on the mailing list for regular updates :).
I have struggled with anxiety since I was a kid, and would usually be the first person to scoff if anyone ever called this trait a “gift”. I have begun managing it as an adult through counseling and learning new coping/rerouting skills, some go the medication path, different things work for different people. What I do know, however, is that those of us with anxiety tend to agree that it is not a positive thing. When uncontrolled, it can be exhausting and cause heightened emotional responses and added stress to situations that aren’t at all threatening. It can cause us to consider all the dire “what ifs” but none of the possible happy surprises. It can introduce a lot of doubts in both ourselves and in our relationships with the people around us. Lately though, I’ve been challenging myself to think about the positives of certain attributes within myself that I don’t always like. I’m a big proponent of neurodiversity and try to always see the positive attributes of others’ brains that sometimes work differently, so it would go to follow that I owe myself the same courtesy. Fellow anxiety peeps, though you have probably been told that your affliction is this horrible burden, I’d ask you to come with me and think through the ways your tendency towards anxiety has actually helped you.
I was looking for a notebook with some blank pages left recently so I could jot something down, and started reading an old journal I’d abandoned. In it was a set of columns listing positives and negatives about my life at the time. I noted as a positive that I was in a long term relationship with “no doubts or issues” and had “no bouts of anxiety, panic attacks, or mood regulation issues like I used to get”. Now, while not having panic attacks is all well and good, I am no longer in this relationship and looking back there were plenty of issues, and plenty of reasons I should have been doubting the long term success of our partnership based on some pretty significant differences and toxic behaviors. At the time I was also not getting the support I needed or deserved at work and was quite frankly being taken advantage of, albeit probably not intentionally. I came to the conclusion that when I thought I was “overcoming” or “doing better”, what I really was doing was turning my brain off and giving over control of my life just to feel more “normal”. Maintaining Zen and not letting life rattle you is one thing, but no one needs to smile and talk about how great it feels to have a bird flying overtop shitting on your head all the while not moving from the spot you are rooted in below.
I definitely deal with a hell of a lot more anxiety today than I did when I wrote that entry, but I also love my life infinitely more. I let situational anxiety take its course, because though my emotional responses may be more amplified than the average person, it acts sort of like the check engine light in a vehicle, letting me know that something isn’t working and I need to evaluate and figure out what needs to change for my mind and body to start running at their best again.
What other positive attributes does my anxiety bring out?
A drive to regularly set personal and professional goals, show up and work hard until they are achieved.
Dependability – I can’t comprehend of making promises not intending to see them through, and if I agree to assist I am going to be on time and prepared.
On that note, I have a planning oriented nature, and don’t leave important matters to the last minute (um, or unimportant ones … 😉 )
I am able to empathize more with others who are struggling emotionally, and I know the experience has made me better at my job leading a program whose participants have various disabilities, mental health issues, and general quirks.
Something I’ve been learning is though we can all grow and change and should be committed to continuous growth every day, certain parts of us aren’t going anywhere. We can deal with these parts of ourselves more beneficially and make them work for us and not against us, but they likely aren’t going completely away. So, rather than engaging in self hate let’s work through the parts that are toxic or causing us unhappiness, but appreciate the parts that help us be better humans … including our anxiety.
Allise Nicole's Artistic Explorations 